Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Quote of the Day

Ma: "The world's full of shit, everybody needs a plunger."

Quote of the Day

T: "Ugh, I'm so tired"
J: "You? Why are you so tired? I'm the one that's been up 7 am to 2 am for the past 4 nights with
T: "I don't know."
....dramatic pause......
T: "Oh yeah, I'm tired from fucking your mother!"


MTV Jersey shore "superstar" has release a clip from his new song.


So this kid can gets a song and I can't even be rich, famous, and/or a model. WTF?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Observations in the Morning

I just have two real quick observations for our segment of "observations in the morning" (Picture a soothing voice here with waves of water crashing in the background). This is a new segment where I comment on people and things in my half asleep/half -"make hulk angry stage."

(a) On Fox News this morning, I was just walking past don't get your nuts in a twist, they were doing a report on the how some public schools are changing their lunch programs to help fight child obesity. They brought in some woman, let's call her Sherrie, to talk about the program. Well let's just say Sherrie was a big girl. So I think that she's going to help the school programs by eating all food. Mind you, I have very little tact in general and even less in the morning. I am not hating on Sherrie, I just found it funny that they brought in an overweight person to talk about fighting child obesity. You know editing this observation just now, I don’t think it’s that funny. Ah well, still gonna post it.

(b) As I was walking off the metro, there was a man, as there always is, handing out flyers for any of a dozen different things. I think to myself, oh great, what is it this time. I see him try to hand the flyers to two women up ahead of me at the top of the escalator. As I get to the top, he quickly retracts his hand away from me. That's funny, I thought, as I continued walking. Maybe it was a flyer for just women. So I glance back, and this mother f*cker is trying to hand the flyer to two men! What the f*ck is wrong with me that I don't get a flyer? Do I smell? Do I look funny? Is my nose to big for a flyer?

Don't answer that people.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Assault in the bathroom!

If you don’t know me yet, I tend to exaggerate. I recently had the wonderful experience of being accosted in a bathroom. It was emotionally crippling. To be honest, I never really understood the whole conversing in the bathroom while shadoob-ing. I have no need or desire to talk about sports or the latest hot piece you met or even what you ate that made your shit stink so much I choke and struggle for air. I just want to be left alone, in and out. No talking! Maybe you can nod here and there, but definitely no gesturing with the hands, that could be dangerous. Part of me has always had this fear that someone will recognize me by my shoes while I’m taking a shadoobie and decide it would be a perfect time to strike up a conversation. Dude, I’m releasing bodily waste, privacy please!

Well this recent assault occurred in the bathroom of my first job out of college. I’ve had this job for 3 years now and I think I’m starting to lose it. The money was good, but the people. Let’s just say I’m seriously considering becoming an advocate of eugenics. One of my many duties I have is the lovely privilege of helping people with their technical issues. I’m talking stuff like my monitor is black (because you turned it off), or my sound doesn’t work (because you have it on mute), etc. I think about suicide daily and I’ve developed a healthy mild alcoholism. It will probably be the best job of my life.

Alright, so, I’m in the bathroom taking a piss when one of my worst customers (by worse I mean super nice, but an absolute retard when it comes to anything technical). Well he comes up to me and goes, “oh good now that I have you cornered and you can’t get away from me….” Inappropriate was the first word that screamed in my head. “…I wanted to ask you a question about excel.”

“Yes”, I say.

“How do I make the cells accept a phone number?”

Are you kidding me? I’m sitting her taking a piss and he’s asking me technical questions. And after an opening like that I thought he might have been trying to ask for my number. So I finish pissing and go wash my hands. Other people are flushing the toilets and walking by. Meanwhile he’s going on and on about his problem. It was becoming more awkward of a situation. People are walking in and watching me stand there behind him while he pisses, straining to hear over the flushing and running water listening to him drone on and on about his problem. I could only wonder what they thought. Well I answered his question and jogged out of the bathroom. Next time, I’m going into a stall.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Questions of the Heart

I've always wondered about this since I was a little boy with an abnormally large head:

Growing up, I would ask my Ma how to spell certain words. "Look it up", was always her response. I think this was done to encourage growth and learning, or something.

I've always wondered how I was suppose to look up the word if I didn't know how to spell it. How's that for a logic bomb, ma?

Another favorite of mine:

On any of a number of job applications:

"Providing your Social Security Number is entirely optional. However, we cannot process your application without it."

Yeah, thanks - I can apply for a job and have my identity stolen.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Random UPS Guy

For those who don't know, I currently work in IT Government Contracting. In an effort to expand my career and find more lucrative opportunities on the horizon, I decided to begin studying for the A+ Certification exam. As useless as it is starting to be, I refuse to leave anything I start unfinished. Anyways, on with the story.

Some random UPS guy delivers a package to my cubicle. Yes, I live in a cubicle. He drops off the package, notices the A+ textbook that I have sitting on my desk and asks, "Hey you studying for the A+ exam?" My first thought is to yell at him for staring at my stuff, but I hold back that urge because frankly, he's bigger than me. I respond with a simple yes and he begins to rattle off all the different computer certifications that he has. After he'd listed about five certifications I ask him him why he's not using that in his current profession. I seriously doubt UPS guys provide excellent technical customer service with a smile.

"Because, " he says, "I make 32 dollars an hour." He walked away, shoulders high, confidence bolstered and I sat in my cubicle and cried for a few minutes.

On the agenda for tomorrow: explore the career opportunities at UPS.com.