Assault in the bathroom!

If you don’t know me yet, I tend to exaggerate. I recently had the wonderful experience of being accosted in a bathroom. It was emotionally crippling. To be honest, I never really understood the whole conversing in the bathroom while shadoob-ing. I have no need or desire to talk about sports or the latest hot piece you met or even what you ate that made your shit stink so much I choke and struggle for air. I just want to be left alone, in and out. No talking! Maybe you can nod here and there, but definitely no gesturing with the hands, that could be dangerous. Part of me has always had this fear that someone will recognize me by my shoes while I’m taking a shadoobie and decide it would be a perfect time to strike up a conversation. Dude, I’m releasing bodily waste, privacy please!

Well this recent assault occurred in the bathroom of my first job out of college. I’ve had this job for 3 years now and I think I’m starting to lose it. The money was good, but the people. Let’s just say I’m seriously considering becoming an advocate of eugenics. One of my many duties I have is the lovely privilege of helping people with their technical issues. I’m talking stuff like my monitor is black (because you turned it off), or my sound doesn’t work (because you have it on mute), etc. I think about suicide daily and I’ve developed a healthy mild alcoholism. It will probably be the best job of my life.

Alright, so, I’m in the bathroom taking a piss when one of my worst customers (by worse I mean super nice, but an absolute retard when it comes to anything technical). Well he comes up to me and goes, “oh good now that I have you cornered and you can’t get away from me….” Inappropriate was the first word that screamed in my head. “…I wanted to ask you a question about excel.”

“Yes”, I say.

“How do I make the cells accept a phone number?”

Are you kidding me? I’m sitting her taking a piss and he’s asking me technical questions. And after an opening like that I thought he might have been trying to ask for my number. So I finish pissing and go wash my hands. Other people are flushing the toilets and walking by. Meanwhile he’s going on and on about his problem. It was becoming more awkward of a situation. People are walking in and watching me stand there behind him while he pisses, straining to hear over the flushing and running water listening to him drone on and on about his problem. I could only wonder what they thought. Well I answered his question and jogged out of the bathroom. Next time, I’m going into a stall.